I’m going to make a new account

I’ve got a new life.
I’m broken.
I did everything for Timmy.
He was my everything.
I want him so badly it hurts.
Clay, I’m a liar.
My biggest fear is that I’m going to do to Clay what Timmy did to me.
I fear that more than Clay finding someone better.
I don’t love you, Clay.
I really, really like you.
You make me happy.
But I love Timothy.. But he’s gone. Gone forever.
I honestly thought we’d never end.
Never ever.

I died.

Haven’t been on in the longest of time.
It’s been awful.
I feel fat, I feel worthless. I feel like shit.
Timmy cheated on me, he told me he loved me but wasn’t in love with me. He toyed with me after that… I let him.
He said things that he had no fucking right to say after that.
I’m still so in love with him, but I have Clay to loosen up the pain. I really like Clay, but I love Timmy. I hate myself for it, Clay’s never said one mean thing to me. Ever. Not even joking around, he’s so sweet and he isn’t ashamed to have others know about me.
But still… If I could have one man forever… I think I’d pick Timmy..
I feel like it.. But it’s stupid. a;dsfj;asdf;sdjf
I’m still in my 140’s.
I can’t do anything right.

Once and a while

I update, but now I’ve got to.
Timmy hasn’t talked to me in a week, and I freaking out.
He rejected my calls, never texted me back.
I don’t know what I did wrong…
In a little over one month it will be a year of us going out, that is… If he talks to me again.
I’ve yelled at him, no reply.. I’ve begged, no reply.
I just want to know what I did so wrong.
So here, it’s times I fix all my flaws.
I’ve been thinking about suicide and cutting more..

And purging.

I weigh 150 pounds.
I want to weigh 110.
I’m starting this diet tomorrow, and fuck I’ll do it.

I’ll do it.

Something that makes me sad is that no relationships ever seem to work.
I long to feel loved, the one man I gave myself up to… I don’t know what happened… Besides, after this I don’t know if I can give him all my trust again.

This story is brand new

Gained weight.
146 pounds no, I haven’t weighed myself in a long time because a fear.
I ate to forget, if that makes since..
The way I was thinking is that if I ate my face off and laughed than everything would go away.
It’s not.
And I’m done saying things that’s not going to happen.
I’ve always done that, pep talk… I suppose..
But not anymore.
Every single time I break my word, a slice goes on my thigh.
I need to punish myself.
And not a little scrape, blood..
I need blood, I need to be punished, I need pain to have control.
No more putting off thinking and just acting silly and stupid.
I have control, and maybe you’ll be sad for a while.. But the results will make you happy and it will be worth it.

I’m done with my own bullshit.
For it’s I that’s my worst enemy, and that’s something I full on believe.

Instead of eating I’ll drawing, read and suck on cough drops.

I’m done.
I’ll be punished for my wrong doing.

I haven’t been on for a while

If any of you even noticed…
I’ve been eating. A lot.

I feel terrible, now I weigh 147. I’ve lost everything.
I got a job, though.. So that’s going to help a ton with me seeing Timmy.
Today? Awful.
I tried to cut again, right now it just stings but it’s not even deep.
I tried to purge, too.
In a way I’m glad I couldn’t do it, but at the same time it makes me feel weak.
I am weak.
I am very weak.
Now Timmy is busy, really busy… I hardly get to talk to him anymore.
Now I’m busy, really busy.. Got a job, school, band… I don’t know, just takes up a lot.
I wish I could tell Timmy how much a need him right now, because fuck I need him.
I asked him if I could call and he said no..
I just didn’t respond, I’m not going to bother him.

I feel half empty all the time after he got this busy… I’ve been Trying to put more on myself so I can’t think about things anymore, today I have time…
I’m almost never on the computer now.

I got in trouble with the law for being out past curfew with friends, I have go to court on the 23rd… That’s coming up fast, too fast…

I’m not ready for this. I’m scared, alone and scared.

I’m not going to be skinny for him, but I know he’ll love me anyways… But still, I know I’ve let myself down and my confidence around him will be low.

Life is going to fast, but to slow..

I’m not ready to walk anymore, but my feet lead the way. I can’t stop anything from happening.

Only fate is there to chose if I make through this or not.

Freaking out

I think Timmy is mad at me.. But I don’t know what I did. He didn’t reply to me and I think he rejected my call… But he might be asleep and I’m not POSITIVE he rejected it, but I’m 70% sure he did.
I don’t know what I did!

D:

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED

In buying a picture
**click: http://untilskinny.tumblr.com/post/1021849271/sigh**
Either message me or reply!!

Please let me know?

Sigh

Here I go, asking yet again.. Probably to be denied with no replies.
But here I go.
Money.. I need it to see Timothy (boyfriend) in Tennessee. So far I have 216 dollars.
I’ve sold two online (just by sending in the mail).
Just two, that’s not very much…
I’ve got a list of selling goals:
Sell two pictures for $40 each
Sell ten pictures for $3 each
Sell five pictures for $5 each
Sell three pictures for $15 each
Sell two pictures for $20 each
Sell four pictures for $10 each
Sell ten pictures for $2 each
Sell ten pictures for $1 each
That would make $290
I would have 506 dollars then.

Please help me with my goal, I hate begging like this… But if I don’t see Timmy in December (if I don’t have enough money or my parents don’t let me) I decided I’ll end everything.. There really wouldn’t be anything to exist for if I can’t.
I’ve never been so desperate for anything before in my life.

Ps. If anyone bothers to buy one for one dollar, two dollars, or three dollars the picture MIGHT be folded, that way it doesn’t cost money to send it. If you have a issue with that then I’ll send it in envelope that doesn’t require me to fold the picture as long as it wasn’t the $1 dollar one.

HERE IS SAMPLES OF MY WORK:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2996&id=100000934554139&saved

**If you want to buy one that is already made, make sure the picture doesn’t say it’s gone already.
I WILL DRAW AND SEND A PICTURE FOR YOU, AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT I’LL SEND YOU ANOTHER FOR FREE.
Please, this means so much. <3

Dead

Is what I wish to be.
I’ve been thinking more of suicide lately, I don’t know why.
I’ve been going out more.
But my diet is failing.
Sorry, Timmy.
Sorry, self, for failing.

I’m renting a tuba that I’m in the process of learning currently.
Have all A’s in school for the whole first week, lets see how long that will go on for.
Feeling so discouraged.

The pain of Jaden is coming back.
I don’t know what to do anymore.

I know I do this, but whatever.

No matter how much of a little asshole this may make me. Every single time I post something like, “I can do this!” I always fuck up and then I complain.
And here is my complain.
I can’t. Let’s face it, I can’t.
I hate my mom.
I hate my fat.
I hate myself.
But really, I hate my mom so much.
If killing was legal… Oh god, I’d fuck her up.
I hate her so much, she only thinks about herself.
She keeps telling me to love some one else and all that fucking shit.
She calls me immature for liking him.
I don’t give a fuck.
I love him, he loves me. He makes me so happy and so complete.
Why the fuck would I look for some one else?
Mom. I hate you.
She was yelling at me for telling him my dad sold his car.
She doesn’t think Timmy cares.
You are such a bitch.
I hate you.

Today.

First day of school, done.
Boring because we didn’t do anything…
I’m really scared (but happy) at the schools new rules… If you get ONE assignment in late or ANYTHING they have something called Friday school, now Friday’s you get out at 1:30 and if you miss ONE assignment you have to stay in a class room until 3:20 (the time we normally get out)
Guess who’s going to be passing her classes…
It’s just iunno, I can’t really do anything right.
But hopefully this year will be the year I change for the good.
I had 20 calories today (not including fruits or veggies)

I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong…

The way Timmy’s been acting isn’t very well.
I know he is stressed out but he is taking it out on me.
I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, he was complaining about something his mom did and then I asked him what’s wrong and he just says, “go to sleep…”
Last night he started to correct me about everything and telling me about all the ways I’m wrong.
The night before that he hung up on me because Aj was on the line and I was laughing when Aj pretended to reply to him when he was talking to his mom.
I just don’t know why he’s been treating me like that.
He’s been hurting my feelings all the time this week.
I just don’t get it…

School starts tomorrow

Getting up at five thirty in the morning so I can go to marching band.
I am not ready for school, but at the same time I’m excited.
I’ll be busy so that means not as much time to eat.
I’m not going to eat breakfast or lunch, just supper.
All those girls on Lookbook are so small, it makes me feel terrible.
When I’m really small I’m going to make an account there.